Flash back

So lets flash back to when I was feeling pretty great, sometime last week. I thought eff yeah I can finally do this mothering a toddler while pregnant thing, fist pump!

And then Tuesday came, it wasn't too bad but not fist pumping awesome, so I took a maxolon tablet to push on through. Cue anxiety, heart palpitations tears and fatigue. I was so confused. I thought we'd left these feeling behind in the first trimester. I literally thought I was going crazy, I legit thought I had depression, that was until I spoke to my mum. She got out her medical books and looked up Maxolon. Side effects can include; anxiety, extreme fatigue blah blah blah. I wasn't crazy it was those damn tablets that were making me nuts. Yeah they cured the vomiting but I would 100% rather vomit then have anxiety attacks and feel like shit in other ways.

So I stopped taking the tablets and still felt pretty good. I spent the whole day out on Thursday, it was incredible. I thought about J coming home the next day and how awesome it was going to be to do normal things. And of course I wake up friday puking. Nearly all my food for 48 hours came back up and I felt like shit.

Then I realized, I didn't feel pregnant sick, I felt sick sick. So turns out I had a tummy bug that had been going around my friend group. Thank The Lord! It still sucked but I know it wasn't my morning sickness tricking me and coming back with a vengeance. Sunday I woke up so much better after 12 hours of sleep and we've spent the last 2 days at the beach. This is what my life is meant to be like.

If we didn't go through the hard times we'd never appreciate the good right?

The biggest thing I struggled with at the beginning of this pregnancy was the guilt I felt in regard to Seb.
I felt like because I was sick and couldn't keep my eyes open long enough to play with him, that he was suffering. I just assumed he was bored and would resent me for laying on the couch all day without entertaining him. I felt awful, like so so guilty I cried (a lot) about it but there really wasn't anything I could do. I couldn't even just let him outside to play because we had torrential rain for like 3 ridiculous weeks.

So here we are in the second trimester and guess what!? Seb is alive! He survived being shunned by his sick mother and probably doesn't care I was basically ignoring him for weeks. I wonder if he even remembers.

He's charging on this kid, such a trooper. He never shuts up these days, he just chats away at anything. He's the sweetest little bean, forever kissing and hugging us or his stuffed animals. He's pretty polite but still used the word no pretty heavily.
He's OBSESSED with 'in the night garden', I've had to get strict and only let him watch it before bed or else I'm afraid he'll stop talking like a human child and start yipping like iggle piggle.

It's funny to watch him grow and discover what he likes and dislikes, no matter how absent I was in that first trimester he's still growing up without my help, he needs me less and less which is so sad but also pretty awesome he's his own person and I love who he's turning into.

Ultrasound

Yesterday we had our nuchal translucency scan. I woke up excited, it was the last 12 week scan we'd ever have, it was the last time we'd see our baby on a monitor for the first time.
So many firsts and lasts. And then it got me thinking about all the firsts and lasts we've already shared with Seb. Life goes on, we wake up everyday to new things and also the same old things.
Same old breakfast routine with new words spilling from a tiny mouth, same old nap time routine with a new book etc etc.
These things seem tiny but they are so huge and so important and I just want to soak them all in and never forget.

This is the last time ill be pregnant, the last time ill have morning sickness, the last time ill carry a life inside me. Ill mourn these times when they're done but i look forward to the copious amounts of new times ill get to have. First feed, first laugh, first smile, first words, so so many firsts to come and not only with the new baby but with Seb too.

The scan went fantastic, the little sucker was moving around like it wasn't trapped in a squishy sack. It was incredible, and then it looked at us, that was...I have no words. You could see its eye lense, seriously, something out of the terminator. I'm all for the miracle that is growing a baby but sometimes I think about it too hard and it slightly freaks me the eff out.

Any who, after the freaky stare down, we saw the doctor to find out the results of the tests. He told us we were made to have babies, we should have a bus load, not likely dude but J was pretty stoked when told he had super sperm, just incase ya'll wanted to know.

Things went down hill after that, too many toilet trips, fatigue and nausea, oh the joys! I'd been feeling great since my last post so taking 10 steps backward, hit me like a truck. It happens, move forward, life won't end because of a shitty afternoon, these are the things I tell myself even though in the moment id rather be anywhere but on my bathroom floor.

I'm trying to stay positive and it's easier these days, less sickness and more sunlight, less anxiety and more laughter. Pregnancy is tough but it's only 9 months right?

I'd put some pictures up but you know how it is, I'm allowed to be lazy.

life lately

 

 

A wedding
A plane trip
A birthday

I feel like so much more has happened but nothing that i've bothered to document. i'll stop being so slack now.

I'm back.

Wow its been almost a month since Ive sat and typed out a post, so much has happened that i don't know if i should really go back and catch you up, lets just say its been a roller coaster of a month.

Some news i will share though is that we're expecting our second baby in September! i feel like there's such a baby boom going on in the blog world and the 'real' world at the moment. half of my friends seem to be expecting children, its pretty incredible!

This blog will now probably just turn pregnancy and Seb related as nothing is really going on in my world at the moment. Morning sickness has taken over my life, theres a perfect groove happening in my couch where i spend most of my time. I wont sugar coat anything on here and so i will tell you all, i HATE being pregnant. I'm all for having babies but the actual being pregnant part is not for me. I'm miserable and i don't feel like myself. I can barely leave the house for a fear of vomiting in public or passing out or some other drastic thing that probably would never happen. I'm anxious and guilt ridden that Seb isn't getting enough attention from me. The television has been my lifesaver and its eating me up. I hate how much Seb loves the TV but i also hate how much i love that it entertains him and how much i rely on it lately. This honestly has been the hardest 7 weeks i can remember having, i feel like I'm going crazy.

James has been amazing, just like he was when i was pregnant and sick with Seb, just like he always is. He's still working away which i think has caused a lot of my stress, its amazing when hes home but then i still have 5 days alone and sick with a toddler. Our working situation isn't going to change so I'm just learning to suck it up right now, morning sickness doesn't last forever and i know things will return to normal sooner rather then later.

Well i feel like that was just a novel all about how much i suck, but this is my blog and i don't care. Don't get me wrong though, i am over the moon about this baby I'm just having a rough time. This too shall pass.

in other news, Seb turned 2 this past Sunday and i cannot believe it, time does really go fast and just that thought alone gets me through the days. the next post I'm planning will be picture heavy to catch you up visually Hopefully the post after that will be how I'm feeling like peaches and rainbows! happy thoughts!