Bye bye 2015

I am so excited for 2016! 2014 and 2015 were fricken awesome years, we went on 2 over seas holidays, saved enough to buy a block of land and start the building process. Seb started kindy and Daisy started dayecare. We celebrated birthdays and anniversarys. I went back to work in a new field. My ass joined the gym and i realised how good excersise is for my health both mentally and physically.

We've all grown and changed, so have our goals and im just so excited to see what 2016 brings us. Things i know for certain are that we will end up with a 5 year old and a 3 year old (say what!?) And we'll be in a new house by about mid year. Thats not to say we wont have hard times in 2016 and that 2014/2015 havent had ups and downs because they most certainly have but i know that the hard times show us how strong we can be and teach us some valuable lessons.

I dont have any resolutions as such but im going to work on finding balance. Balance between being 'mum' and being 'me', that goes for being a wife and an employee. If 2015 has taught me anything its to find balance because without it i stress the eff out and no one likes a cranky mama.

Twenty five

On Monday, i turned 25! Thats half way to 50,  a quater of a century! You get my point.

As scared as i am for getting older, i thinj i have done pretty well to get to this point. I have an amazing family, two crazy beautiful kids, im starting a new career and most of all im happy and healthy.

There's always room for improvement though right? So here is my four for twenty five. I wanted to list five things but i couldnt think of the fifth improvement, that makes me feel pretty lucky.

Say "no" more
This might sound totally weird usually its say yes more but i say yes waay more then i should, it stresses me out because i try to cram everything in then everyone suffers.

Work hard
And i mean that in every way. Ive been slacking at the gym because ive been super busy and as i stated above, trying to cram everything and everyone in. So im aiming for 3 hard sessions at the gym a week, all i really want is to just make it count. Same goes for work, thats just a given, i want to do well and succeed, that won't happen if i don't work hard.

Be present
I've been speaking to J a lot about this, with me working while he's home, the time we do get to spend together is precious so we've made a pact to put the phones/ipads/ps3 away and actually be together. Same goes with the babies.

Get outside more
We can get stuck in the rutt of everyday things but i really want to make the time to go outside more often, we go out a lot, generally for errands and only sometimes for play, we need more beach, park and river plays. The days generally are not long enough but it is my mission to get out there.

Let it go

This afternoon, everytime i spoke to seb he asked "are you angry?" I brushed it off thinking its just something he picked up, kids say the darndest things, etc. But then it got me thinking, was i angry?

Truth was i was most likely annoyed, pissed off that there was playdoh all over the floor, cranky that i had to ask a million times for it to be packed away and then ended up doing it myself because "no one in this house listens to me!!"

Then the kids have the audacity to ask me to do ten things at one time for them! How rude, right?! But on the third seperate time Seb asked if i was angry, i felt bad. Super duper guilty even.

Ive been struggling with my anxiety so bad lately, trying to do so many things at once, trying to please everyone and never saying no. It drives me crazy, literally, we all suffer for it, the kids mainly because i do seem angry. Then a particularly annoying song was sent into my brain from the heavans, let it gooo, let it goooo.
So simple right!?

I got my calming essential oils, that i sniff like a coke addict, and chant let it go. And you know what, it actually helps. The playdoh can stay on the floor until the kids go to bed, they can miss a shower tonight and i can reply to the five text messages later. Just let it go.

Alone time

I fell pregnant with Seb at the age of nineteen. I didn't feel that young at the time, like i new i was young but i fekt ready to be a mother. I look back now i think omg i was soo young!

Only one short year into my adult life, id only had my licence for a year, J still did most of the driving. I was at uni or work all day so J and i would do groceries together, we did everything together.

Fast forward nearly five years later, and i guess you could say I've turned into a proper adult. I dont know what it is about kids, they give me purpose. I have to do groceries so they can eat nutritious food, i have to take them out of the house to stimulate them, i want to do educational things to teach them. I have to do most of these things alone because J is working, i do all the 'adult' errands while he is away so we have more time to do fun activities while he is home. My daysare filled with gym, errands, play dates, cooking and cleaning.

So what happens when i get a free day?

This is something that is happening more and more lately. Seb is gone 5 days a fortnight for kindy, Daisy has started day care a day a week and they have started going to their grandparents together. These days leave me alone, something i havent ever really been and on short notice when i have no plans except to be mum. I'm trying to enjoy the piece and quiet, to revel in the alone time, to read or watch a movie. To do things that are slightly impossible with two crazy kids.

Daisy

My girl, my little flower, my firecracker.

Youre growing so fast, you'll be two in just over a month and boy do you seem so big. You've started daycare one day a week and there have been no tears from you. Maybe you get the drill since you've seen Seb be dropped off and picked up your whole little life. I felt like you needed some independence and some time to do you. Its hard being the second child, you get dragged around doing errands, drop offs and pickups. You cant communicate all the places you want to wander so you sometimes get forgotten about, not that you complain about your brothers choice of parks or activities, but as you grow and find your words im sure as hell youll be heard.

My strong girl, full of sass. I dont find myself worrying about you as much as i did your brother when he was your age. Maybe its another second child thing or it could be your personality but whatever it is, i wouldn't change who you are for the world.

The best you can be.

This past week was a doozy, after the camping trip the kids were just so out of sorts, then J left and i had to try and sort it all out to get us all back on track. It was tough and I lost it a few times. Im a firm believer that kids smell weakness, mine are all over it like a bad rash. We were all unhappy, we were all whingy and i had no time alone to pull my shit together. I'd try and console one child into happiness but the other would want a piece too, this lap definitely cant hold two babies who are fighting over where to sit. I was constantly being touched and pulled in every what direction. Someone always wanted something and sometimes i can deal with it, take a deep breath, grin and bear it but that week, i couldn't. I needed space i needed a shower alone, i needed to eat  whole hot meal. So i cried, i cried alone and i cried to J. I complained to friends who bought me over wine and company. It didnt make things easier but i was able to see the light at the end of the tunnel and appeciate my support systems so much.

Three sleeps till daddy comes home, two sleeps until kindy starts again.

And we made it and as I look back I can see that it was just one of those weeks where you have to tread water just to get through, these weeks happen but it makes me appreciate the amazing weeks we have. Its funny how my life is managed by weeks and not days, its one week while J is home and then another week that he is here. Its like one whole week is a monday and the next is a friday-saturday-sunday.

After the week of hell, it got me thinking about what makes me happy and what makes me feel good and be the best me i can be.

Im the best me when

I wake up before the kids to have a hot cup of coffee in silence.

I go to the gym 5 days a week.

I have a clean house.

I eat amazing tasting food that makes me feel equally as amazing.

I can tuck my babies in to bed knowing theyre happy and safe and I've done all i can in that day to make them feel loved.

There's a million more things i could write that would probably bore you to death but these are my top five, they are simple things that make all the difference.

Three towns, four days, two states

So we road tripped last week, im not going to lie, i was dreading it. J had this whole idea of an unplanned Road trip. "We're winging it!" I was less then keen, i am a planner, a control freak if you will. I just didnt see how a road trip with two kids and absolutely no plan was going to work but low and behold, it did.

The kids loved it, i semi loved it, james lovvedd it. I really do love holidays, i like getting away but i also love coming home, camping is fun but i love showers and toilets and seperate bedrooms!

It is definitely something we will be doing again, in the summer, with older children and more of a plan.

Growing and changing

This quote is something I've been thinking about so much lately. Time can be a parents worst enemy but right now its our best friend. I love that the kids are getting bigger, its getting easier for me. Theyre more self sufficient and damn are they fun! I remember all the awesome things i was lucky enough to experience as a child and im super excited to give that to my kids tenfold.

Its not only about them growing up, its about me too. I was nineteen when i fell pregnant with Seb, i look back now and i was so young! I wouldnt do groceries alone, i wouldnt take seb out by myself if i didnt have too, i was dependant on people, on james. Maybe its the FIFO marriage that has changed me, maybe its just what happens when you get older but im happy. Im happy to have solo outtings with both kids, grocery shopping alone is a dream come true and i feel accomplished when i get out of my comfort zone. I've realised again that i can have dreams for myself with my family always in mind and i can accomplish them.

Im back!

Its been months since ive been here, and ive been thinking about posting most days but you know, life and such.

The kids are getting so big which means we are busy! We are busy keeping them occupied and entertained, busy with kindy and play dates. When daddy's home we're off the grid spending all our time as a family or me at work and just doing things i cannot do while playing single mum.

Seb is almost in his third term of kindy and we're unsure if he'll do another year before starting prep, his teachers have advised me he's borderline ready but there is still two more terms. He lacks concentration which i see with him on the daily but maybe its me? Maybe im not ready to let him go off into the big world yet. Some days id be glad to see him go but then i tuck him in at night and want to keep him as he is for a little longer.

Daisy, there's too much to say about this wild girl. She's the most beautiful, funny crazy girl I've met. She knows what she wants but she always has. She's cheeky and imcredibly loving. She's learning so much and i love watching it, 21 months is an amazing age. Dais loves Seb more then anyone, he's the only one she'll kiss goodnight.

I'll be back more i swear, I'll make time.

Seb's fourth year

I know every single parent says this, but where did four years go!? I would say, i can't believe my baby is four but that's not true. I can believe it. In the last few weeks, he has changed, he's grown, he's matured. He has lost all sense of being a toddler and is now a full blown functioning, self secure, child.

There is so many things i thought wpuld never change with Seb, his fear of doing things out of his comfort zone. He would never do something new, he would always say "i cant" but now he says "i did it mum!"
It started with swimming and it has now leaked into every aspect of his life, from the new school to the ocean waves he was so scared of.

Its bittersweet, ill miss my cautious baby but my heart is filled with so much love and pride with every new activity conquered.

Week 4

We're in week four of kindergarten and things are starting to look up. The first few weeks were geart wrenching leaving a screaming child at the gate. I would cry when i was out of his sight, then his teachers would call and tell me he was fine and playing. 2 pm couldnt come fast enough, just so i knew he was okay.

Each day got somewhat easier. The tears were still around but hearing him tell me about his friends and what new things he was learning made me confident id done the right thing by changing his school.

Today i dropped him off and things felt different, he wanted to help put his bag away, he wanted to see what toys were out, he kissed me goodbye and told me he loved me. As i was walking away i heard him tell his teacher excitedly, "i didnt cry today!" I love that little guy.

My kids are trying to kill me

Today was one of those days where i realised how much we, as parents, do for our children with absolutely no fucks given by them.

Buy them nice things for them to leave outside, in the dirt and the rain. Or use the awesome toys we buy them as weapons for siblings heads. Or my walls.

We slave away cleaning all day for them to mindlessly spill cups of milk on our freshly mopped floors. To walk around with food after repeatedly being told to sit down, now the floor is covered in crumbs.

To cook nutritious meals, even going to the effort to hide vegetables, only for them to turn up their cute little noses and demand biscuits before they've even tasted said meal.

To do the dreaded grocery shop so they dont starve, only to have them squish half the food in the trolley by the time we make it to the checkout. To scream and carry on when they see confectionery items. To houdini out of the trolley straps when your back is turned.

Is this enough examples for you? Tonight i am done, bedtime cannot come a minute too soon and i know theres going to a drama with one of them. I really hope im not the only parent who feels this sometimes, that would be plain awkward.

First week of kindy

We survived the first week of kindy! Hoorah. It was huge for all of us, Seb was pooped by friday and by pooped i mean dead tired. He hadnt been to daycare for 5 weeks before starting at his new school so i think it was a shock to his system, to all of our systems.

He was soo fine the first day, gave me a kiss and said goodbye, second day there were tears but after a phone call an hour after drop off, i was assured he was more then fine. Friday was more annoying than anything else. He knew what he had to do but he didnt want too, he was argumentative but he didnt cry and had the best day. He goes back tomorrow so I'm hoping he's fine and happy to go.

I thought i would have so much more time to get things done! I was so wrong! Seb's there for 6 hours, Daisy sleeps for 3 hours so i have 3 hours to get stuff done. Not.enough.time! I think its just a huge adjustment for all of us, we need to work out the kinks but im happy knowing its the best decision for Seb.

The big year

We're almost a month in to 2015 and so far im loving it. We have so many plans for this year and so far all our dreams are coming true.

Ive gone back to work, casually. This is something i started thinking about late last year, not for the money but for me. To feel like I'm not just a mother and a wife, to have some timeout from cleaning my house, making sandwiches and wiping butts. Now i get to clean a store and put clothes away hah but i get to do it in aircon while talking with adults and listening to music. Its actually been so good for my soul. I was telling a friend i hadnt spoken with in a while that id returned to work, i couldnt wipe the smile off my face and saying how good it was. I feel refreshed, like im moving forward and its making me happy.

James and i also joined the gym, this is another for me (or us) thing, which might seem selfish but after 4 years of being a stay at home mum and spending day in day out parenting little people, i think i deserve to be a little bit selfish. Ive always been a pretty lazy person but i wanted to change that, ive always tried but fallen back to my lazy ways, this time is different, i get excited about going, im excited to push myself and wake up woth sore muscles, i feel like ive accomplished something. The kids love the creche, theres so many toys and other kids to play with that now they look forward to that time they get there. All i need to do now is change my diet up a bit and ill be feeling 100%.

Seb starts kindergarten this week, im so excited for him but after having him around for the last month since he left day care i feel like im going to loose my helper. It will be nice to have some one on one time with Dais again though, i feel like she'll be the one to miss Seb the most. Im looking forward to watching him grow and learn and make some great friends. This is the last year before he starts prep which scares the life out of me, he'll be 4 in a few weeks and while i think im prepared for him to grow up, im definitely kidding myself.

2015, I love you.

A zoo day

Last week, we made the decision to get annual passes for Australia zoo. It was a little bit of a splurge but one i feel is worth it, considering its an awesome day out for everyone and is only 15 minutes away.

The kids had so much fun and i was super suprised that Daisy was so into. Seb's interest was a given but still awesome to see.

The kangaroos were definitely the favourite of both kids but im excited to feed the giraffes and camels next time we visit. Thats ghe beauty of an annual pass, we didnt have to cram everything in the one day. Half a day was plenty, both kids passed out on the drive home. Winning!

Sixteen month post.

My girl, shes sixteen months and oh man do i love her. She's wild and cheeky and oh so sweet, and I've probably said all of these things before.

This age is magic, she knows how to make me laugh, she's assertive with her brother, with all of us really. I feel like she will have no troubles in life, she's got this. She's always had it.

She's a tiny 9 kg but eats like a full blown adult, i have heard the word more, ten million times since 7am. She weaned herself right before 15 months and we haven't had a sleepless night in forever.

Daisy Deane, i love you more then words.