Good mum, bad mum, judgey mum's

I've been reading so many articles lately about screentime and kids.

I understand that it's not great for their brains etc and they need to be outside but what the fuck do i do when its 5am and everyone's awake, my brain being the exception?
If i sent them outside, we would surely get evicted. Two overtired kids at 5am fighting over the same ride on car in our back yard. Yeah no, not happening. Ill give them the ipad and my phone any day of the week.

It's not like they're glued to it 24/7 its more like 3/7, Seb anyway, Dais is much much less because of her day nap, that's when Seb clocks up most of his hours, and i can deal with that. The mum guilts creep in occasionally but you know what? Im learning to not give an eff. I'm doing the best i can do with 2 kids while I'm on my own and if i can get a few hours a day of peace and quiet then I'm going to take them.

Daisy

She is nothing like Seb, yet she is everything like him. She is what you would expect from her big brother but she is...more.

That's the funny thing about kids, you never know what youre going to get.
Both of my kids are sweet and stubborn, articulate and imaginative. But a lot of their characteristics are so different. Seb is cautious, a massive thinker and sensitive. Dais is a daredevil, a do as you please-er and has a 2 second rebound rate from everything.

I dreamt of a girl that would like bows, dresses and dolls, but my girl she loves none of that. Sure she likes them, sometimes, but she would rather play with motorbikes or dinosaurs and wear pants with her hair a mess and dirt on her face.

She's a wild girl, full of confidence and sass and i realised thats all i wanted in my girl. For her to be comfortable with who she is and for her to know what she wants, to say a big eff you to the "norm" and just be herself.

Bye bye 2015

I am so excited for 2016! 2014 and 2015 were fricken awesome years, we went on 2 over seas holidays, saved enough to buy a block of land and start the building process. Seb started kindy and Daisy started dayecare. We celebrated birthdays and anniversarys. I went back to work in a new field. My ass joined the gym and i realised how good excersise is for my health both mentally and physically.

We've all grown and changed, so have our goals and im just so excited to see what 2016 brings us. Things i know for certain are that we will end up with a 5 year old and a 3 year old (say what!?) And we'll be in a new house by about mid year. Thats not to say we wont have hard times in 2016 and that 2014/2015 havent had ups and downs because they most certainly have but i know that the hard times show us how strong we can be and teach us some valuable lessons.

I dont have any resolutions as such but im going to work on finding balance. Balance between being 'mum' and being 'me', that goes for being a wife and an employee. If 2015 has taught me anything its to find balance because without it i stress the eff out and no one likes a cranky mama.

Twenty five

On Monday, i turned 25! Thats half way to 50,  a quater of a century! You get my point.

As scared as i am for getting older, i thinj i have done pretty well to get to this point. I have an amazing family, two crazy beautiful kids, im starting a new career and most of all im happy and healthy.

There's always room for improvement though right? So here is my four for twenty five. I wanted to list five things but i couldnt think of the fifth improvement, that makes me feel pretty lucky.

Say "no" more
This might sound totally weird usually its say yes more but i say yes waay more then i should, it stresses me out because i try to cram everything in then everyone suffers.

Work hard
And i mean that in every way. Ive been slacking at the gym because ive been super busy and as i stated above, trying to cram everything and everyone in. So im aiming for 3 hard sessions at the gym a week, all i really want is to just make it count. Same goes for work, thats just a given, i want to do well and succeed, that won't happen if i don't work hard.

Be present
I've been speaking to J a lot about this, with me working while he's home, the time we do get to spend together is precious so we've made a pact to put the phones/ipads/ps3 away and actually be together. Same goes with the babies.

Get outside more
We can get stuck in the rutt of everyday things but i really want to make the time to go outside more often, we go out a lot, generally for errands and only sometimes for play, we need more beach, park and river plays. The days generally are not long enough but it is my mission to get out there.

Let it go

This afternoon, everytime i spoke to seb he asked "are you angry?" I brushed it off thinking its just something he picked up, kids say the darndest things, etc. But then it got me thinking, was i angry?

Truth was i was most likely annoyed, pissed off that there was playdoh all over the floor, cranky that i had to ask a million times for it to be packed away and then ended up doing it myself because "no one in this house listens to me!!"

Then the kids have the audacity to ask me to do ten things at one time for them! How rude, right?! But on the third seperate time Seb asked if i was angry, i felt bad. Super duper guilty even.

Ive been struggling with my anxiety so bad lately, trying to do so many things at once, trying to please everyone and never saying no. It drives me crazy, literally, we all suffer for it, the kids mainly because i do seem angry. Then a particularly annoying song was sent into my brain from the heavans, let it gooo, let it goooo.
So simple right!?

I got my calming essential oils, that i sniff like a coke addict, and chant let it go. And you know what, it actually helps. The playdoh can stay on the floor until the kids go to bed, they can miss a shower tonight and i can reply to the five text messages later. Just let it go.

Alone time

I fell pregnant with Seb at the age of nineteen. I didn't feel that young at the time, like i new i was young but i fekt ready to be a mother. I look back now i think omg i was soo young!

Only one short year into my adult life, id only had my licence for a year, J still did most of the driving. I was at uni or work all day so J and i would do groceries together, we did everything together.

Fast forward nearly five years later, and i guess you could say I've turned into a proper adult. I dont know what it is about kids, they give me purpose. I have to do groceries so they can eat nutritious food, i have to take them out of the house to stimulate them, i want to do educational things to teach them. I have to do most of these things alone because J is working, i do all the 'adult' errands while he is away so we have more time to do fun activities while he is home. My daysare filled with gym, errands, play dates, cooking and cleaning.

So what happens when i get a free day?

This is something that is happening more and more lately. Seb is gone 5 days a fortnight for kindy, Daisy has started day care a day a week and they have started going to their grandparents together. These days leave me alone, something i havent ever really been and on short notice when i have no plans except to be mum. I'm trying to enjoy the piece and quiet, to revel in the alone time, to read or watch a movie. To do things that are slightly impossible with two crazy kids.

Daisy

My girl, my little flower, my firecracker.

Youre growing so fast, you'll be two in just over a month and boy do you seem so big. You've started daycare one day a week and there have been no tears from you. Maybe you get the drill since you've seen Seb be dropped off and picked up your whole little life. I felt like you needed some independence and some time to do you. Its hard being the second child, you get dragged around doing errands, drop offs and pickups. You cant communicate all the places you want to wander so you sometimes get forgotten about, not that you complain about your brothers choice of parks or activities, but as you grow and find your words im sure as hell youll be heard.

My strong girl, full of sass. I dont find myself worrying about you as much as i did your brother when he was your age. Maybe its another second child thing or it could be your personality but whatever it is, i wouldn't change who you are for the world.